Doubt I'm gonna have the luxury of bloggin 3 entries per day like last time anymore.. There's job and there's studyin for the IB entrance test. Last week was eventful yet boring at the same time.. It was happy yet deep inside I was miserable.. I hated the monotony, but I loved the children.. Life's one big paradox.. n i'm one big self-contradicting, discontented fool.

Look what I just dug up..

from the piles n piles of paper I just cleared. Fucken thing made me realize what a good breeding ground my room is. Old exams paper.. I already kept all my lit and english ones, the others are just too painful to be existing in Kell's world. Ahh.. 'tis nice to rummage thru old stuff, so much memories..



a l'il sth i thought twice about b4 handing it in for kauthar.. okay.. i'm gonna start crackin on the applications.. make myself productive for once..

Mentol note to self..

My future hubby (hoho damn fortunate guy ;P) aside from all that kind, loving, caring and blahs.. must be a good cockroach slayer. Coz I can't rmb the last time Vince looked so manly, coming outta my room with a triumphant glint in his eyes, holding in his hand a plastic bag with that thing flying madly in it.

I just crushed a daddy-longlegs with my bare hand. I think that's what you call them. They are like a cross between ur household mosquitos n spiders. Sinister-looking little pest kept appearing before my eyes until sth in me clicked. Before I knew what I was doing, my hand shot out and.. a night's peace of sleep, assured.

Or so I thought. When I unclenched my fist, I saw two black strand on my palm, and a very vengeful flying spider heading toward my eyes. I jerked to the left, not wanting be the receiving end of Flying Spider's anger- God knows if Mr Denggi decided to hitch a ride with him. Surprisingly, it flew past me like I wasn't there. I let my eyes followed it as DL(that's what I'm gonna call him since flying spider's a mouthful) flew higher n higher toward the light, probably thinkin the end of the light would be his ticket outta here.

I'm like.. dude, what about ur legs?
Yeayea I've got nth better to do with my life, marvelling about trifles like that. (as I'm typing this, DL is still flying about me, before my eyes, circling around my hp.. ) but ahah.. that's where you got me wrong. Yea I'm school-less n jobless, tho the latter is valid for only a couple more days. I haven't been doing much at home save collect dustballs n grow fat. My day is as predictable as the sun's course. My objective now (mg are my eyes failing me? Is DL flying without legs?!) is not to

FUCK THIS!!! A FUCKEN COCKROACH JUST FLEW INTO MY ROOM!!! I hate cockroaches!!! You wanna see the girly side of me, just put a cockroach in fronta me n I swear I'll claw at u til u're beyond recognition. Oh fuck it's crawling up the wall now.. That thing can fly. Crap DL looks like Teletubbies next to this thing. Okay. MY GAWDDDDDD it FLEW again!$!%!! N fuck this it's coming towards ME! Okay. Okay. What do u do now??!!! The thing can FLY!! DADDY~~~~ Kevin!! n i was bout to blog bout life being ho-hum.. *grimace* Why ME?!!!#!$!

why me why me... i hope that disgusting pest stays at its corner and rot to death.. i've lifted both my feet to my chest, wondering what's the point of that since fucken thing has wings.. i left my door open, switched off any lights outside, n hope with every cell of my body that fucken thing will take the hint and go to hell.. instead it crept under my cupboard. Tell me how ma gonna sleep with the thought that my mother will find me later this morning with a cockroach stickin outta my mouth, me choked to my undeserving death?! Can u charge this fucken thing with murder?!

(I usually don't rlly go around exposing my weaknesses but since the handful who knows of this blog are sweet, nice, un-opportunistic, reliable and trustworthy people I trust none of this will come up sometime during April. Okay?)

Where was I? *scrolls up* O yea my objective now.. I've got no more mood to blog *glares at fucken thing* Ever since I got back from Taiwan, my life has been revolving around.. ~tada~ television! Astro-less somemore. Pathetic you might think. *shrugs* I truly don't know. This feels abit like primary school all over again, and I feel this.. contentment from doing nothing. Not fulfillment, not satisfaction, not complacency mind you, just contented. I will watch Canto n Taiwanese series til 8, the latter I find myself guilty of enjoying. Taiwanese shows are pretty slow to my liking (before)- they take 10 seconds to look into nthness, turn their head, before taking another 10 to look at the other party, and finally utter out one single sentence. I mean, sure they have alotta good looking guys in there but no amount of eye-candy can lure me into sittin thru that ordeal. This show actually has plot- it's about twins tryna get their parents to bury the hatchet, not those cliche kinda love stories. The fact that even Kev's watching it with me says alot for itself. However, the true reason as to why I'm drawn to this show, I suspect, is that I've fallen in love with Taiwan.

Dinner will come after my shows, and it seems to me a full stomach will induce nagging from my mother. My mother. She worries for my education more than myself, I'm ashamed to say. I've at least pinned down the direction I'm heading and she's pressing me over n over again to apply for scholarships. Last Sunday, she had me sit down at the dinner table where we had the longest convo ever w/o gettin at each others' throats. She told me that, as the eldest, there's gotta be sacrifices I gotta make for my brother.

"You know la, ur whole life complain mummy working bo kao luei. Mummy last time had to work also so that ur aunts had the chance to further their education. Kevin n you I'm not worried about, it's just that.. u know how things are la.. vince isn't smart.. we might be hafta accomodate Vincent a l'il bit."

Silence.

"So I'm hoping you'll save la.. If u're so sure about enrolling for a private college, I'll loan you the cash for uni but u've gotta fund Vince's edu when u come out n work."

I told her I don't think I'll be able to handle that responsibility.

"The world's an unfair place. Make the best of what you have."

think those words will stick to me for quite a while.

I hate this n i know i'm being very childish. I wish I had accomplished more in my high skul life. I wish I fell sick during the day we took Chinese, so that the 7D won't matter this much. I wish I knew how to think back then, knew how to not get my sorry butt in that blacklist, so that I wouldn't dread askin for a teacher's testimonial this much today.

Then, I would turn angry. I would blame my mother, for putting all this pressure on me. I blamed her for makin me look for my own way, while others are already at Trinity, Taylor's and whatnot.. I would wish she'd just disappear whenever she bugs me to fill in that IB scholarship form. I hate lookin at that form. It's like taunting me, hello under-achiever.. dream on loser. I don't blame you if u think i'm an ungrateful brat coz I think so too. My mother. Although I'll nvr admit this to her, coz I still think it was a costly decision, she is truly, greatness personified. Somewhat I detected a tinge of sadness in her eyes, n I decided to drop it. I told her I'll take form6. I'll give up my dreams of studyin abroad.

"I've given up on my ideal too," she said in the car later, quietly.

That got me curious. What could my mother want more with life, after claiming that family was her life priority?

"I realise I can't give all of you the education you kids want,"

I wished I had the forgiveness and acceptance of DL. To stop whining n dwelling in self pity and rather, get my fat arse up from that floor and start working my way toward the light. DL u're my iNsPiRatiOn! I shall rmb ur spirit forevverrrr~~~

All this talk of forgiveness reminds me of Ang. Rmb how she taught us once that the heart of forgiveness is wider than the ocean and the sky? Haha i wonder how that old witch is doing... she won't even give jh half a mark so that he can get his leaving school cert.. or was that cow? talk bout not practicing what u preach. I miss chs. F6 ain't that bad I guess..

Amazing if u're still with me here. The cockroach must have slept, and so should I. The night's makin this post abit emotional. Nitezz.

Most of u peeps reading this started college today.. n I hope 1st day went well for u guys.. =) mmm.. gimme a few more weeks i think i might act get sicka staring at the ceiling..

Finished DaVinci code.. ending left much to be desired..

so now i'm hearing Angel, loving every second of this lazing around/doing nth, n yet i'm thinking what I shud do with my 2 months.. i mean, i feel uneasy that I'm wasting my time while everyone else is moving on with life.

I tried looking for a job yst. One thing that discourages me is that I detect disapproval from my parents towards my applying for jobs. It's obvious Mum wants me to continue my studies asap. She's pressing me to try out the Inti trial classes which I'm spose to be at today but I somehow manage to delay it til tmw. I don't know. I seriously have no idea as to whether it's wise to enrol, like, now w/o so much a week of thought over it.

I want a job. I'm in bad need of cash n it wasn't easy yst. I hafta take transportation into consideration. Dad's opinion is that any job outside Subang is pointless n I can't say I disagree. I tried hunting at Summit n Subang Parade but that turned out to be futile plus a few blisters to rmb the day by. Act at Summit I only asked one store, Starbucks n I'm waiting, not optimistically, for a call. I don't blame them. They want 6 months n i don't think I'm willing to make that commitment..

After that I went to check out Subang Parade.. Bleah. It felt like a lotta rejections but come to think of it now, I only asked 3 stores. I give up too easily. Sides have u any idea that nearly all, if not all, fastfood workers are malays? 'twas a disappointing day but no loss.. the rates will probably be miserable anyway *shrugs* but it's pathetic to think that I kena rejected by Dome.. Dave's Deli somemore..

Carrefour's my last shot. Not placing too much hope