Saturday, July 24, 2004

Whoa.. It's been weeks since I last posted and.. new features.. I like =)

To say that last week was eventful is an understatement. It's explosive. Think canto soap drama when things are either devastatingly boring or like a ticking emotional bomb, bound to blow off any moment. Mine was the latter.  
 
Frisbee. The first time Rahayu mentioned it to me, I was trying to dig out some excuses to not enter. First, an unfamiliar sport. Second, it's a team game. There's no point playing team games if you're working with team mates you hardly communicate with. You need that special connection and commitment. There must be a driving factor to make you desire victory. Aiya, to conclude, a big waste of time.
 
Biggest weakness  of mine is that I can't reject people right at their faces. Be the person a bitch or not, I just.. can't. Furthermore, it's Rahayu asking, the gal that's more likely to be associated with inner beauty than anyone else in 5S4, according to the Great YX's statistics.
 

Great YX Statistics
Sexiest legs: Chai Jamie
Hairiest legs (Joint winners): Ang Li Kim and Ghulam
Most beautiful: Puan Suriani
Most likely to wind up bald by 30: Hehe
 
 
Just adding that for fun. Soooo, I entered, half-heartedly, with maybe 5% confidence of victory. I told myself they won't be able to find 5 other person anyway who will play save J n I. They found 6 others, actually. I am introduced to my new team mates on Monday, and crap, I've sunk deep, deep into my mispredictions. 
 
I'm about to sink even deeper. 
 
Luckily for us, there was no last period which meant more practice time. Practice my ass. More time to learn up the sport would be more apt. Right after lunch, we went down to learn frisbee right on the very day of competition. Cow was right, I am kiasu. I hate losing. But I don't think that's too bad a trait. Abit stressful, but it's good character building. But the learning process was eMbaRraSinG!!! I can't catch right, my throw was pure rubbish, everything I was doing would somehow turn out wrong. I aimed at Li Woon, that bloody disc would find it's way to Josh, standing 3 persons away. And watching the guyz master it so effortlessly, frustrated me even more. Harold's passes were perfect and swift, Cow intercepted passes like it was a matter of flipping hands, Sean had his signature way of catching (jump, lift both legs up and land), YX was tireless with his blocks, and JH catches the frisbee with a hand positioned like a birds' beak. Watching them play was pure magic, and to see them accomplished that level of deftness, they inspired me. Not only me, I guess. I could see the determination starting to build in every of my team mates' eyes.
 
Our greatest blessings was to have the guys' patience in training us. I mean, everyone of us was so bad. But as much as their good intentions, there weren't too many chances for us gals to practice with the frisbee. Thank God J brought her Ribena one that bought us more time with practice, but throwing it feels wrong, and catching it was suspiciously easy.
 
After an hour half of practice, it was the guyz turn to play S7. Like I said, pure magic. They have speed, they have skills, but more importantly, they have team work. They conceded a goal in the first half, but they had the character to come back from the back and claw their way back to cancel the lead. We gals went frenzy with our screams. I never thought J would sound like those gals when Elvis comes within vicinity. Hell I sounded like those bimbos too, but at least we weren't screaming for that stupid a reason. And at one point of the game, the frisbee was sailing right at the direction of a black shirt, and from where I was standing it looked like a sure-goal for S7. Then, suddenly, a guy jumped outta nowhere and slapped the living shit outta the poor frisbee. I wasn't wearing my specs so I couldn't tell who was it, but Harold later credited Cow with a killer block, so that must be it. Not much I could notice without my specs. I did notice Sean did a lotta good defending, and Harold and JH were scaring the piss outta the opponents' defence, and to say the least, a victory well deserved. Maybe it's better I didn't have my specs with me. You win as a team, you lose as a team. The faces should all blur into one, not separated as an individual.
 
And our turn came. We started off rocky, often letting our opponents break into our defense, but a goal came to our way, and we got psychological advantage. I don't think we played exceptionally well-- we pretty much did just enough to sustain the lead. Playing under the sun was a torture, and I just felt drained of my energy. Half time came, and as I was walking towards the sidelines, Dickson asked me: "Where's your power?" The fact that I sucked was beyond doubt then, and I was demoralized. I managed to block a few passes, but throughout the game, I felt like I was ignored. No one was passing to me, except J. I held no grudge tho, especially during a game, the stupidest thing that you could do is to start a conflict within the team. We made it through the 2nd round, and Rahayu emerged as our two-goal heroine.
 
So next day, I made a mental note to myself to divide the team into two to work on our team work. Gotta thank J on this, she was the brave one who suggested to the team for me to work with Norma and Sally, while she herself will play with Li Woon and Rahayu. We had to start building a bond with each other, and it worked. Training in the rain was so freakin' CoOL!! I miscalculated the gals' commitment towards the team. Everyone of us didn't mind the rain, and imho, if we were given more time and exposure, championship is not entirely outta our grasp.
 
The game with S5 was different. Pride was a stake. I've heard  comments subtly suggesting that our win against S7 was a fluke. Hehe. You don't hear things like that without wanting to prove them wrong. So after the rain simmered down a little, we gals went to find the guyz to get some training. The thing that makes me proud was the spirit of S4. It's a beautiful thing to be part of. For two days straight our circle was there, pushing each other with the belief of victory and of each other. There was a force that was pulling us together, pushing us to our max, and I don't know what else to call it but faith. And I'm thankful for Harold. I don't know. Somehow I felt that our friendship has soured and I don't know why, but he trained me and imbued in me a belief of my own capability. His enthusiasm was contagious, and the way he encouraged me made me more confident of my own. So here, I dedicate our S5 goal to my short black friend.
 
S4 vs S5 showdown, both male and female. My baby's class.  YX probed me on whose side I was on, and I told him it was S4. That's right from the heart people. I know Perng understands. It's that kinda dilemma, damned if you do, damned if you don't. I love my class. I think I'm gonna cry when graduation comes, so to hell with those who's gonna label me a crybaby. They don't have sth this beautiful to lose. I don't have that kinda problem with the female version. S4 all the way babeehh~~~! >=)
 
So watching the guyz win was beautiful. I was bursting with happiness for em and am tempted to run out the field and hug every one of them. But that won't be appropriate, will it? So I found another way to transmit my emotions, and that is to scream and scream and scream. It wasn't purely happiness tho. I felt traitorous. But it made me love him even more. Every passing day the little things he does makes me falls even deeper for him. He didn't seem to be affected at all. And the reason why I have so little to write about S4-S5 male game is coz my focus was on my baby only. It was the first time I was watching him play a game, and everything he did, gripped me. I am extremely proud of him, he played so well, his pace, his catches, his passes, his focus, his EvERyTHInG!! I bet his bball must be rlly rlly good, but he's so modest about it. I love his humility.
 
Not wanting to sound guy-dependant, but I think the guyz were the source of inspiration for us gals. They won, we won. J n Norma were outstanding defenders, and the others had good passing. We had to win, and we did it. And to the S4 guyz, you peeps were amazing. cheerleaders. >=) Thank you soooo much for your support.
 
The next game was tough. S8. I know we didn't stand a chance, but I wasn't expecting us to kena thrashing that bad. No match la, and to think they were one person down. We looked like fools out there, but thankfully not many people were there to witness our painful humiliation. But we made it to the semis, and that was an achievement all by itself. Plus, the experience was priceless.
 
And the guyz, I'm proud of them. They hung in there for half an hour and mustave scared the livin piss outta 5A. They were probably expecting an easy win over a buncha geeks-gotten-lucky. If they didn't look like a buncha underworld gangstas who would wait for me at the lorong if they had a reason to, I would have screamed "Beckham! Beckham!" when 5A were taking the penalty. Sigh. I'm sucha chicken.
 
I went home, planning to flop into my bed right at 9 after bearing with my dad's sour face (due to making him wait half an hour apparently. I mean, how would I know they'd make us play against s8 la?!) and mum's equally sour face (for my missing BM tuition and my mud-soaked clothes). Parents can be so.. uncompassionate. But then, a very familiar number appeared as a missed call. After months he's calling to apologize.
 
I'm starting to believe in Fate. Chinese make a big fuss over the importance of yuan, and I thought it was just an easy mean of consolance for those who had lost. No. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing is what you may perceive it to be. Now I could understand why Sean was affected when Thian called him a playboy, though itz completely none of my doings. I had no good thoughts about Sean after our breakup. I always thought he wanted it coz he's bored with us. If the reason he told Cow was the real one, then that was the rightest thing he did for the relationship. The sweetest too. It wouldn't last long anyway. Relationships needs communication, mutual trust and respect for each other. The first two he obviously doesn't have with me, and the last one, I don't know. But to know the real reason is a comfort. After all these time of chiding myself that I was stupid to be with him, I know I'm not now. It's a nice knowledge. I guess things were just not meant to be.
 
I am happy. I love the feeling that I can completely trust Perng with my heart now. Perng has met my dad, and Dad kinda pleaded him to leave me alone if he was just looking for fun. Perng's still here. The soh-lo makes me laugh so hard and always assure me that I don't have to be afraid of being myself around him. He doesn't make me talk if I don't want to. I know as long as I want something, all I hafta do is tell him and he'll get it for me. It's a very nice and warm feeling, feels like when you're snuggling under the covers or hugging a soft toy tightly. It's been five months, and he gave me a slight flicker of hope for a future. A future with Perng will be amazing. He wants 10 kids, I want a soccer team, but I want even numbers too, so haha.. itz gonna be 12. We both won't make them take Chinese, it's up to them, and I'm so gonna spoil them rotten. I mean, imagine if Perng juniors gives me that sad puppy pout Perng gives me all the time. You'd hafta be inhumane to reject them.
 
These are all great imaginings. It's fun to dwell on thoughts like this, just for fun. Glad this blog is virtually unknown, so I can type this. I love my baby Perng so so much! I can't live without him, and that's not the least bit exaggerated.
 
O yea. Just in case I've gone missing, this guy is to be accounted for. Sui De, as in water moral. Slit eyes, moustache, kinda dark chinese guy who can't speak chinese well. Stutters non-stop. Hp no 016 6776862 i think. Maybe 6268. I threw the number away. Important j! I might get kidnap by this guy. Long story.
 
 

Thursday, July 08, 2004

The deal with me and English

I'm suppose to be studying.. or rather analyzing every sentence of Macbeth to make sure I got all of the surface and underlying meaning "at the tip of my fingers", as warned by Xavier. Sigh. I had no idea how tough this would be. Honestly speaking, I thought Lit would be like an A gifted on a silver platter. Conceited, I know. It's scary how the forces has a way of teaching you sth.

So I signed up for Lit, scoffing at the idea of Lit tuition when Mum suggested it. Don't know how it happened, but I relented to mum's will in the end. Probably because I wanted her to waste money since she wouldn't give me anything for self-study. Think about it. She's willing to pay for tuition, but not willing to give me.. *ahem* any form of incentive for whatever I achieve in my exams. 5 bucks per A. Is that too much?!!! And you're paying those bloody opportunists money to "educate" me. I mean, what the crap is this? Damn insulting in a way. It's like, my own initiative is worthless.

Home tutors are different la.. They can attend to you personally based on your own progress but the fees are just crap. Xavier is different. Think a group of English elites (save me!), sitting and just chilling. I have two tuitions. One is BM, the subject that I'm so beyond help that I don't even know why I'm bothering with tuition. O yea. Scholarship at stake. The other is Xavier, and the reason why I am still there is coz of the people. They're fun to be around, and it rlly is a pity that I don't speak. Other tuitions won't last more than 3 months. And why the hell am I crappin bout tuitions?

But, dear readers, SPM is just 119 days away. That's less than four months for us to freedom or hell, your pick,mine completely dependant on the outcome of it. That's why I don't even bloody bother with plans after SPM, altho I already know I'm law-inclined. And how timely, I realized the Eng Lit won't be as easy as I thought. I'm studyin my ass off for the lit test next week while just about everyone else is chilling out after the mid-terms. Macbeth's richness is killing me. I love Literature. I mean, I think I love Lit. I am sure I love reading so that naturally makes me assume I love Lit. Reading it is fine. But when you hafta know every minor detail, say, hair color, number of children, bull's appearance and things like that.. I mean.. I dunno.. What is the point?

Maybe I'm just not cut out for Lit. Today would be an excellent proof to back up that statement. We got back our Eng paper today. What I wrote for my Eng paper was totally deviated from what the question wants. Simply instructuons also don't know how to follow. The fact that Kauthar was being extremely lenient in markin this, esp my paper, struck my ignorant self about how freakin clueless I am when it comes to Lit. I doubt there were many who was contented with their English this term. J looked kinda sad and I was insensitive. Again. I was/am still disappointed with the Lit section. I mean, I have a good tuition for it and still I'm screwing up.

I suck. And the existence of a certain Chen Li Woon does not help things at all.

So here's to me, for gettin my ass thrashed in Eng for the what? Fourth? Fifth? time in a row. Cheers. I have resolve to work my lazy ass off this four month to make sure I don't screw up Eng for next term, for trials and for SPM. The G.S.C.E (is it?) standard is damn tough, and imagine havin a cert with the bloody British sayin that u're not good enuf. Bleah. Not to mention all the other subjects, mind you, but the greatest joy for me would be to get A in Eng Lit.

Bloody British. Sigh. Back to Macbeth.

Monday, July 05, 2004

"You can't go out on one-2-one basis with a guy."
"Why won't you just concentrate on ur studies n stop creatin so much trouble?"
"I don't want to get a new hp for you. You're always up to no good."
"You're young. You don't know how to think."
"Why do you always wanna go out? The house that bad ar?"
"Why you wanna go watch movie with friends? So embaressed to go out with ur own father ar?"
"Get you a car? HAH! Sure long chia one..."


I've been arguing non-stop with my folks. I thought it was just a phase that would end soon enough but it just doesn't seem to be dyin down. New arguments would rise out of nowhere from the thin air. When I try to talk to them, they don't listen. A conversation is a two-way street. It's impossible to communicate in a civilised manner if one party refused to compromise and hog all the talking. Okay, you don't even hafta frickin compromise. Just stop ur bloody accusations n listen. They talk to me like I am a kid, and everything that comes out from my mouth is the most foolish stuff they've ever heard. They dismiss my words as "what all the other teenagers say also".

I'm not just another teenager. I'm your daughter. Why can't you listen? Why won't you? Why do you think you're always right? Are you completely blind to tears I shed? Don't you see it's a plead to you, to acknowledge that I have grown up? That I can think?

I'm just tired. I tried to earn ur trust through honesty. I tried to talk to you guys about this. Why do you wanna make life difficult? Don't you see that it's not Perng who's hurting me? It's ur refusal to accept me.
I am so tired of trying to please both of you.
Just go away. Please. I don't need this. I don't need all this crap.

Just leave me alone.