Free lunch

Wanted to blog bout RLC yst but sth popped up.. n by the time we were done, i wuz pooped.. wuz one helluva good day, great company.. nice fairytale-ish ending.. sighh.. but the day's high was the phone convo, by far.. I've nvr felt more blessed

So today, I woke up with grim determination to at least finish a Bio chapter that has been dragging on for a whole week now.. Urgency's not there, SPM's another day closer, one more step to losing my sanity..

Phone rang, which I ignored since it's my habit to do so if an unknown number flashes on the screen. I received an SMS from the same number a few seconds later

"Hi. Can we talk?"
OR some shit like that.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn't reply, but curiousity got the better of me.. And if I thought such rudeness would scare away someone who's lookin for temporary "friends", I thought wrong.
"Nth better to do with ur life?"

I can't give you an accurate account of the reply since I deleted every of his msg outta fury, so this is about how it goes..
"Hi. It's in ur life, not with, babe. Lol. You gotta be more kind-hearted. Can't we be friends?"

"With suggests more control over ur own life. Kindness is vulnerability. Friends shouldn't be nameless."

"Lol. I nvr said I was nameless. It was you who didn't ask. Louis from Sri KL. And you are?" Oh boy can't this dude detect hostility?

I was tied with this powerful curiousity to unearth this fella's identity, or at least to find out from whom did he get my number from, so I replied
"Hey. I'm not a babe. U have my number so i presume you already know (or sth like dat) Name's Ken. I'm gay. Where did you get my no?"

"u're kelly. It was sprayed at KLCC along with ur no. U must have lotsa enemies. says that u're a free lunch.."

free WHAT?!!#!$! Breathe in, I commanded myself. Think clearly. Stay calm.

Now breathe out.

"Haha free lunch?! Haha nth better to do meh. So tell me, what does it mean?"

Now that musta freaked our Louis here out a l'il. This gal must be nuts.
"is that necessary.? nvm le.. sorry to disturb you.. anyway i hope u will take me as your friend.. keep in touch.."

So that was his exact last words. I asked him why would he wanna be friends with someone who is hated by so many, and that finally got me what I wanted from him at the very beginning. His silence. Only now, I want him to reply. Why would he be so persistent about making friends with a hateful wretch like me?

If Louis wasn't so polite through out this whole ordeal, I would have been more than happy to replace his name with profanities. Free lunch. Doesn't sound good. I was wary tho.. what if this Louis is not Louis but just a buncha no-life suckers who carry out pranks that amuses none but their idiotic selves?

Help me I AM raving..

free lunch
n. Slang
Something acquired without due effort or without cost

Heh. Heh. Heh. Not the first time I'm hearing this.
I thought I was over this. I seriously thought I was. When Perng and I got together, J told me that toilet-booth convos were about me and my "amazing ability to forget"

Sth acquired.
Bad. Sounds like sth u can buy off ur daily supermarket racks.
Without cost.
What am I, a bargaining chip?

Without due effort.
Fuck the world, fuck the world.

You might think I'm over-reacting. That I'm being the self-centered drama queen here, failing to look beyond my rage, failing to handle my own anger.

I don't blame you. A year ago that would have been my exact sentiment. So fuck me then, n fuck you now.

Boy, am I tempted to sing Carey's "Can't Take That Away".

So, thanks to our friend Louis, I can kiss any intention of studyin out the window.

I recall myself telling the disturbed KT, only a few days ago bout not letting what others are saying bother him when he faced his own Louis. It's a skill that I have yet to perfect, but now, it just takes two hour of speculation n a food-rampage to evict it from my system. That's already an improvement, folks. IT's a blatant lie if you tell me u're not the least bothered by what ppl thinks, coz somewhere deep inside..

Thian just called for PJK pants. Nearly ignored her since she's usin her mum's hp.. =P

So where was I?
I don't feel like talkin bout this nemore.

Divagation.

So Dad took me out to pasar malam later, food haven with wallet-friendly prices. Relished the much-needed rebellion from my diet.. I should thank Louis in a way.. I just lost myself into the labyrinth of food stalls n dad had not a word of objection.. he is HAPPY to see me eating! =) I ate n ate to my taste bud's content.. n tho the amount of food cannot compare to Perng's intake, i felt liberated. He bought me pants, and we both managed to maintain a civilized convo.

Thing is, he asked about Perng, about his parents and I just answered him honestly. The fact that he didn't straight-away grunt out a disapproval made me feel a connection with the old man. Maybe he's not that unreachable as I thought.

Who am I kiddin? I can't stop thinking of Louis n the KLCC graffiti, if such existed.

I don't even feel like clarifying things. The world likes sadness. Let misfortune strike you, and suddenly u find urself in the spotlight of the world's sympathy.. Just look at Nirmala. Now imagine if she wasn't a subject of physical and mental abuse, with super generous employers tipping her the accumulated amount of ur yearly income.. Tell me, honestly, would you be happy for Nirmala?

Humanity is one sick species. Why is it that the decapitation of Nick Berg is amongst the most searched subject of search engines now? Ppl actually rejoice in seeing others suffer. Feel fortunate for our current state of being and we get a chance to promote ourselves to sanctimony n pledge our so called good will.

You lost a love, you're suppose to cry.
Bull.

They can say anything they want to say.
As far as I'm concerned, I have a life to live.

I remembered, when I first started this blog, I made a promise to myself to update this thingie every three days, at least. Maybe back then, I could keep to the promise coz I always seem to be in a state of depression. It's easier to express sadness--the words flow better and I guess that's my way of holding back tears. Sides, the world likes sadness. Just how many of you prefer reading bout ppl who lead happier lives than you?

I am happy. I'm officially 17 and if this is the way life is going to be for me, then I don't want to grow up. This birthday has been more of, like, an awakening from my ignorance towards the role friends play in life. And how much I take their existence for granted, always making an issue outta stupid trivial stuff and failing to loookk beyonnnd whattt I seeeeee~~
=)

My 17th year in the world began in the usual manner of going to school. You'd think that it'd be pathetic, celebrating ur 17th in school, but with friends like them, nothing is pathetic. Slept through the alarm again.. woke up instead to Dad's roaring that we're late late LATE! Miraculously made it to school in time tho, think one step into the compound and the bell rang. Nice thing about the car ride was, Dad and I laughed together over paying the toll then getting our ass stuck in a jam somewhere at an unidentifiable road in PJ. Extremely rare. Nice =)

Headed towards the tapak after that.. saw Yeanz, Bo and Siew Wah sitting there. Watching Bo smile and wishing me Happy Bday got me smiling too. Bo has this rlly contagious grin.. when she smiles, her eyes would curve into two slits, that pinkish cheek would lift the arches of her mouth and lookin at that magnitude of adorableness, I rlly can't help smiling back myself. =D Yeanz came over with a familiar white and black bag, and to put it mildly, I was surprise. I didn't want to find out what it was in fronta her. You know when I'm overwhelmed with gratitude my face just stupidly freezes.. I just don't want her to think that I don't like em.. So she, Bee and Thian shared 2 T-backs for me. Ok 1 T-back and one that looks suspiciously like a T-back on which she insist isn't but hell looks like one to me. THANK YOU SWEETIES SO VERY MUCH!! And the poster is so freakin creative and meaningful.. a true work of priceless art that's gonna stay up on my walls for the decades to come. =P

Then I saw him. Haha if I go further i'm gonna sound like one of those super mushy hopelessly in love individuals so I shall keep things.. impersonal. =P Greeted me Happy Bday and I lamely replied thanks. Don't know if this is the right sequence, but saw Kryz n Liz comin towards me.. kryz n liz.. always hyper and so fulla energy.. HAPPIFYING =) thank you so much for the earrings and the book kz? Promise I'll read the book.. n don't worry bout them earrings.. good motivation to increase my feminity! =D hmm.. maybe I'll get me ears pierced some time soon..
Kinda like the straight dangly types.. newayz again.. thank you two sweeties so much!

Along came J and Thian, J with that silly smile of hers, always silly, on her face. Now that I think of it, she came to school later.. Doesn't make sense how they could come into the school.. silly sly gal.. how could you misled me?!!! I don't think I can ever repay this this comin Xmas.. a beautiful book-card, 20 outta 10 for effort.. how could I possibly not like it?! a t-back, very very nice material.. slice of choc marsh cake.. touched.. not just coz of all the prez.. I realized, after five years, this is as close as i'll ever come to true friendship and sisterhood

HaHaa then came King of Torts.. so sweet of them.. Here's a big thank you to Mich, Eve, Rahayu, Cow, YX, Harold, Josh, and SHENG >=) for getting it.. Oh yea.. J, u da gal too! N cow's brown color pen.. dude.. only u n j took me seriously.. thanks alot! ;-)

After school was sweet. Perng's Ma bought lunch and just that made me really happy. Maybe I am seeing more into things, but her acceptance means alot. Perng's given me so many firsts in my life.. hehe u twisted sick ppl can think what you want.. I'm talking about the meeting of a guy's parents here.. I want Mum to know about Perng without restricting this but itz all wishful thinking.. we shared wine and choc marsh cake with nice music (j again.. u're prob sicka hearing this by now but.. thanks.) danced abit but that turned out funny.. hugging each other and trying to sway without falling over each other.. my first dance =)

And I got Beany as a substitude for his absence. =) Tho Beany simply cannot compare to him, itz rlly soft and nice to hug..

So the day ended with lit tuition.. and it was the end of 12th May..

Or so I thought.

Day began without any expectation. Same shit.. I'm glad J didn't come to school.. she looked like she could use the rest and I so don't wanna be the reason for her being there. Kinda wanna looked for kryz n liz to thank em for the book, personally.. but couldn't find em.. so thank you gals.. again.. and tian an.. rlly rlly appreciate it.. =D

Came in class.. was like usual, tired so I tried to sleep.. felt a nudge woke me up and i was darn surprised.. they got me another gift! I was mortified.. I mean, how rude can a person get?! ppl tryin to give u stuff and u continue ur business of sleeping?! It was a nicely wrapped prez, turned out to be a spaghetti, which was quite surprising and ironic since YX still won't stop reminding me of the day he first saw me don one.. SO here's to Mich, Eve, Cow, YX and Sheng.. For giving my 13th a great start

Recess came, and itz so nice to see all my gfs standing outside.. together.. I greeted em.. truly happy to see em.. but it was kinda awkward.. some of us have drifted apart over time.. sad yet inevitable.. They told me I wouldn't hafta buy anythin to eat today and I could guess what they were up to.. Still.. the moment was beautiful! there was a cake waiting for us and they sang me Happy Bday.. Cake was good but too bad there weren't enuf to go around.. To my gals.. Bee, Bo, J, Thianz and Yeanz.. you ppl are the sweetest buncha pals anyone could ever wish for

I didn't expect to hang out with Perng after skul but it happened.. I'm tellin ya the license is doin wonders for us.. Don't you like the word "us"? One of my fav words now.. us. two people bound by the whims of fate.. got it from the movie 'a story of us'.. pretty insightful movie for all those couples who have been together for a long long time..

and then lit tuition.. towards the end mrs x called for a 20 minute break and went in to get us more water.. i was munching nonstop on the cuttlefish and js asked me to stop.. he said food's coming.. and well.. I didn't expect it to be a cake.. it was very very sweet of em.. totally didn't see it coming.. i mean, most of the time I shut myself up in tuition and they kinda got sick of trying to make me talk.. so here's to the members of Mrs X's mental institution-- Shiv, Li Sian, Jon, JS, Kamini, Kian Jin and now Chia Yen.. thanks.

And to Weibing.. who made me a bookmark.. rlly sweet of you.. thanks.

14th May.. 11 sth-ish
I just wish I could do sth to help Thianz. She's devoted most of her time with Sun and guess that's one of the reasons why we aren't close. I hate the feeling of helplessness and my inability to speak the right words of solace when a friend needs one.

Time changes people. Anything is possible. Fate is never kind. Even after 2 decades of marriage nothing is an impossibility. Cry a little, then move on. The hurt is beyond my comprehension, I know. Easier said, but you gotta be strong. As long as u have given it a try, u have worked on it and itz just refuses to work out, then forget it. Part of loving someone is learning to let go.. You lose if you lost sth u love more than urself.. but real loss occurs if you lose ur own love for yourself.. If it's truly meant to be, he will come back.

That was what I should have said.

* * *

This is totally unrelated to my bday.. but.. hung out with Perng since Dad is not around.. it was one of those simple days that can make me rlly happy.. one thing i rlly like about us is how we can do everything together.. he gave me my first driving lesson at the secluded usj 26 area.. and realization hit me how much i've taken his drivin me around for granted.. itz not easy, at least for me.. couldn't coordinate my foot and the changing of gears well.. but nevertheless, the thrill of raking up another first in life was not lost in me.. but after 5 or so minutes of it.. i was bored and if i'm bored, he must definitely be bored so we went to SP to pick up sth for Josh..

Josh.. I feel guilty for not gettin him anythin.. harsh as it may sound, but i just.. have this tendency to ignore those bdays that fall on the weekends or public holz cept j's.. so Josh turned out pretty down on his own 17.. said sth bout gettin a mug and a free company tshirt only.. so hopefully he'll like this.. =/

Went over to Perng's house and wished his mother Happy Bday.. HaHA saw the Porshe that will be/is the object of Perng's obsession.. silver with P-O-R-S-H-E wording on itz back (duh!).. that's the closest a description I can give ya =P she's a beauty.. stands out like a sore thumb, even amongst two BMWs.. and itz silver, not those typa race car super bright yellow (yuckss!) he tricked me into believing.. =D very very nice..

I walked into the house and first thing I saw, right there in the middle of the table was the candle I got her for her bday.. kinda stared at it for a while, and itz weird, rlly.. how a gesture that little can make me =D.. i hate myself tho, especially hate it when i get tongue-tied.. mrs lim said thanks and how i shouldn't have and i lamely mutter out an "itz ok".. i felt like banging my head up against the wall! but she came over and give me a hug which was.. letz put it this way.. mum and i haven't hug for a long lonngggg time.. studied a little with Perng and i see great potential if our seats were next to each other in the exams.. he makes up for what I lack..

I really can't write when I'm happy. everything's like.. "so happy!" "so sweet!" "thank u so much!!" etc etc etc.. I don't know.. happiness is pretty much an emotion to savor, not one to be subjected to definition.. I have illusions of the future which reality now seems to be heading, but my baby reminded me once that we can nvr look too far into the future and we can't know anything, for sure. I am dreamy and that a dangerous quality.. One of my biggest and sweetest imagining is a legitimate Ke Yi, but itz the kinda thing that pressures/scares off a guy. And I don't know if itz legal for someone to be this happy, but I am wary.. coz there's alwayz a turning point in ur euphoria when suddenly everything ends abruptly and the walls start crashing into you.. if that happens it would be the ultimate devastation for me, but I try not to go that far.. I don't want my happiness now to be plagued by speculations, whether founded or unfounded..